I hate him. I feel terrible to believe that I once loved him, adored him . I don’t want to see him again , his wretched smile. His thought made me feel perplexed and my future seemed bleak. My life was great before, I was enjoying my life,my academics, my friends, my world and then he suddenly barged in my life and ruined it. I am gonna meet him again tomorrow , may be for the last time, may be for my own good. It is going to be another sleepless night.
It all started six months ago when we were arranged to meet up at a Friend’s house. I despised the very idea of arranged marriage and it was my fathers relentless request that compelled me to meet him. The first time I saw him, I fell in love. Maybe it was his eyes that did me or maybe his smile , the precious smile. A week later we got engaged at a simple function at my house. I had never imagined that I had a romantic girl hidden in me that was doing the incessant talking and day dreaming about him. Couple of days later I got a message from him“ Leaving abroad for an assignment, study well, make us proud, love you, trust me”. That’s probably when I started to hate him.
As the train reached the station our eyes met, I ignored him. He gave me that wretched smile. The crowd in the station helped me, I had to walk behind him and not along with him. He took his car, no words were exchanged and we reached the hotel which my company had arranged for the new joinees. He was about to say bye , I somehow assimilated my courage and said “ I wanted to talked to you”. He replied with bit of stammering “ Ya ya…, I will come in the evening. We can talk then”.
I was surprised by the message. Why didn’t he call me ?. I am gonna ask him why he did so. But he never called. His mother called my home to inform that he has reached safely. I somehow consoled myself. I wrote him a email, hiding my frustration, a two page mail, detailing him how much I missed him, how much i wanted to see him. Came a frivolous reply“ That was a long mail, reply you when I get time”. That intrigued me and offended me. I vowed to myself not to write to him again. Since then we have not communicated. It was difficult to answer my father when he inquired about my fiance. That precious smile suddenly felt wretched and irritating. I hated him. I felt terrible that I once loved him, adored him.
He came in the evening. He took me to a beach. I came straight to my question “ Whats going on, why are you playing with my life like this”. His reply was also straight “ I am in love with a girl”. If I had something in my hand I would have hit him. I lost my temper and barged at him “ Then why did you get engaged with me”. He replied giving that wretched smile “ The funny part is that you know her better than me”. That was a bolt from the blue, I was shattered. Several faces ran through my mind. He quickly took his mobile from his pocket and he showed me his lovers face.
That was me in my convocation dress.
He smiled, that precious smile “ On the engagement day, I met your professor. She had a peculiar request for me “ Your fiancee was not like this before, she hated the word marriage, but now look at her, shes already in love . I am happy for her, but it might cost her aspirations. She is a ranking student but I doubt whether she might get it now. She has changed,her approach to studies has been dismal after she met you . She has missed the deadline to projects, she is not even preparing for her placement interviews .A lot of her friends life depends on that project and I would be really thankful to if you could help her concentrate on her studies. If you love her , then do that for her”.
He continued with a sigh “ I dint know what to do. I couldn’t stop calling nor I could refrain myself hearing your voice, but then I realized that I might be dotting your career and academics. I had to take that extreme step of getting completely cut out from your life without telling you. It was tough and each day was a suffering . I didn’t know how to say this to you when I met you this morning. I know what I did was terrible”.He then took a diary and lot of papers “ in this diary I have written all that I did in all these days” and then he took a bunch of papers and said “these are those hundreds of unsent replies to your email”. Before he could utter the word sorry my lips stopped him.
It was a moment of epiphany . I remembered the message that he had sent me“love you, trust me”. If I thought it was my hard work that got me the first rank and landed me a decent job, I now stand corrected. When he was suffering each day, I was alone hating him .I was blinded by my ego and anger. I couldn’t grasp the essence of love. Now my eyes opened like never before. I started enjoying the beautiful sunset, the blue humongous ocean and the gentle cool sea breeze.I took randomly one of those unsent emails and started reading. Maybe I can fall in love again for the second time. It was going to be a sleepless night.